He Said by Christopher Lawford
Bill Wilson the co-founder of AA, sober alcoholic and I’m certain world-class liar for much of his life said that when you sober up a horse thief you’ve got a sober horse thief. What Bill was saying is that whatever the alcoholic/addict is in their active addiction they will be in their recovery – unless they change. And any drunk, dope fiend or loved one associated with said drunk or dope fiend will tell you – WE DON’T DO CHANGE WELL!
Every addict lies. Dishonesty, duplicity, deception, fraudulence, betrayal is the life-blood of successful addiction. The addict’s life depends on it, and most of us get really good at it. After graduating cum laude in lying we move on to the advanced art of self-deception and not giving a shit, so if you were to ask if our lying bothered us we would tell you that either: A) we don’t lie, or B) we never give it a second thought.
If you have never lived the addicted life it might be difficult to understand the imperative to reduce one’s entire existence to a lie. Try to imagine needing something so much that you believe without it you would surely die, then imagine needing to have that thing ALL the time and that this thing you need destroys anything of value in your life whenever you have it and finally, this thing is vilified by all those around you who care about you. Got it? Now try to imagine trying to tell the truth to anyone around you, who is not in the same predicament, about ANYTHING in your miserable desperate life.
Recovery can be the process of understanding the different lies we tell, the gradations and motivations of our lies but I wouldn’t get your hopes up. I know far more folks who are blissfully ensconced in the sunlight of the spirit and are still lying to themselves and others, proving that we can be just as despicable sober as we were when we were using just not be quite as obvious about it.
You’re right that if we get clarity on the different lies we tell we may understand the myriad of reasons we tell them and some of us may stop but many won’t. The reason is the addict’s devotion to, and celebration of, their feeling states. The lies we tell allow us to engage in the behavior that produces those feelings, which, now that we no longer have our drug of choice, we now live for. Understand that for many of us, the lies we are telling are obscuring behavior, which in and of themselves may be co-occurring addictions though we have yet to recognize them as such.
I’m not sure about the fear of reprisal thing. Most addicts don’t remember or have much conscious/emotional connection to what happened last year much less when we were six. I think it’s hard for us to admit when we lie or fuck up because it feels really bad and it’s really hard to do, which are two practices in the human experience not high on the to-do list of most addicts. Coming clean and taking responsibility is the path to freedom and fearlessness. And doing these things brings relief and ultimately feels really good but only after the torture of being truthful. Those of us in recovery have all had the experience, usually early in the process when we were willing and out of moves, but as recovery progresses and we take back the towel we threw in and the god of immediate gratification remerges from behind the curtain of self-betterment to demand equal time in the spirit of “we are not saints” we become less willing to do those things we know will bring a more profound fulfillment. Gee, it sounds a little like what happens to normal folks in the course of a lifetime.
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Wow, that was eye opening to myself and a reminder to be real with myself and my recovery. Thank you for your frankness (word?). Sometimes if is still hard to heard the truth about ourselves. Loved what you said.
Lynn in Houston