Shesaid by Adele Slaughter
Recently a friend was talking about a drug-addicted person who at the time was in the middle of his addiction. Bad. Shooting heroin. She said, “If his lips are moving, he’s lying.” I knew this to be a true statement of the addict in his addiction.
What she said about him got me thinking about lying and recovery. About what kinds of lies we tell to ourselves, to our loved ones. I began leafing through my many books and it wasn’t easy to find good thinking on lying. All the writing seems to say: just don’t lie.
What do we mean by lying? It’s not just when something is white you say no that’s black. There are different kinds of lying. First, there is the straight-up lie: “No, I’m sober.” Or “No I didn’t sleep with him/her…” When you did, obviously.
Second, there is the self-protective non-admission of guilt, “I don’t want to discuss this right now….” when being blamed for something you did, and feel ashamed. You want to hide and protect yourself. From what? Abuse? Shame? Self disgust?
Third, there is the lie of omission…just not telling the truth or evading answering because the truth isn’t pretty. Again you must feel that you need protection.
Fourth, there is the lie inherent in denial, which is you lying to your self. “I didn’t do anything wrong, I was taking care of myself…” Reason for this, perhaps the ego needs to protect its pure self-image.
Fifth, there is the lie in bad behavior. With your words you say I care, but you are repeatedly late, or otherwise unavailable for your loved one.
Why delineate the ways we lie? Isn’t a lie is a lie is a lie? Not really, by seeing the differences we can begin to understand the reasons we don’t tell the truth and begin to look at what causes dishonesty.
It seems to me we lie, partially out of the habit of denial. Or just habit. We’ve been doing this dance so long we just keep on.
To “lie” means you are not taking responsibility for your actions. Right? So why not admit when we’re wrong? Is it because of fear and the threat of reprisal? When we were kids we got in so much trouble for the dumb stuff we did and we didn’t learn that it was okay to make mistakes and learn from the mistakes. We learned bad girl, bad boy and thus we learned to lie as a way to protect ourselves.
This is one of the most incredibly freeing things about program. We are given permission to admit when we’re wrong and apologize. “Man, I’m sorry. I will work on that so it won’t happen again. I really did not mean to insult/hurt/ignore you…” What a fucking relief to be able to say, sorry. What a relief to admit when you’re wrong; to stop hiding. What a relief to be unafraid.
What a relief to see ourselves through the eyes of our Higher Power, who did not put us on the earth to hide our light, but to shine. Admit when we blunder and move on. If you see yourself as God sees you, there are no mistakes, really. There is just you, this amazing eternal being of light, who is living the best she can in love and self-acceptance, honestly appraising herself.
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Thank you for this reminder. I have been late for men that I’ve dated recently. Very poor behavior. Being a single mother is no excuse. I did not want to realize the fear I still have about being judged,, criticized, manipulated under the lie that I am not worthy and selfish most of my childhood. My parents didn’t show love, The fear appears when I hear criticism, I just want to run. I need to make amends to the people I have not been a “stand up” person with including myself.